Friday, February 18, 2011

today while driving around, and brooding over one of the crappiest moment of the week, i realized that the period when i felt really smart and confident (despite the whole weight issue) was during my secondary school years.

It was then when i felt that i worked really hard and my efforts paid off. I managed to find myself in the top class (to me it felt like the best feeling in the world to be there), and getting distinctions for my projects left right center. i was chairman and i was fat, but i was satisfied with all the academic achievements in my life. getting 23/25 for geography tests were the norm, and scoring 50/50 for my trigo paper was probably one of the highlights of my life.

my confidence was defined by my achievements, and in turn, my achievements were defined by the grades that i scored in the exams, relative to the other people around me. the PSLE aggregate score, the O-Level L1R5, and even the A-levels, despite all the other nonsensical stuff going on around me, all these made me feel like i was the cream of the crop.

then came JC, where even though i wasn't really aiming for any of the S Paper crap, i still managed to pull through with my grades and that made me continuously believe in myself. But the competition was getting stiffer, and i knew that, but i just decided to give competing a miss, knowing that joining in would serve to make me a competitive bitch that i so scorn upon.

Ironically, deep down inside, i am still that same competitive bitch that i used to hate in school. I like to feel like i did better than the rest, because it made me feel like i was entitled, and smarter than the rest. it made me feel confident; it made me feel like i'm better than the rest. I wanted to be better than the rest, because i wanted their respect.

Army came and went, and though i wasn't an officer or a spec, i was glad i remained a trooper. In hindsight, i probably would have gotten way fitter and slightly richer with all the training, but circumstances then didn't permit me to pursue that option so i'll leave it as that. nonetheless, i always strive to excel in something (and in this case it was probably running & SOC and till this very date, i'm so DAMN proud of the fact that i completed my SOC course in 8:57 and my 2.4 under 9:30.) I needed to feel like i was the best in something, so that I can continue to feel confident and lead my life.

Then came my working experience with Transinex, where I was regarded as so-called the 'better' intern working there at that time, so much that I was asked to do an overseas sales call, and had sales credited under my name. For the first time, I was actually a valuable asset to a company and that made me feel on top of the world (at least for a few days). I didn't really feel I was competing with anyone there, but it did make me feel more confident as a person.

Finally, all the confidence came crashing down when i reached SMU. i'm not sure if its the change in my attitude from a once-hardworking bloke to a currently-lazy slacker. I realised that my studying method has evolved over the years, and not in a good way. I find it really difficult to memorise anything because somehow, it would just leave my brain. I keep practicing sums, over and over, but I just end up not being able to remember the steps under pressure. It was the first time in a really long time that I realised there were some things that i really sucked in (like LOGIC (wth rite?) and ACCOUNTING) i've kinda lost my groove in some areas, though i believe i still possess it in others.

But this one particular test has made me feel really terrible. There's so much at stake over here, and I've psyched myself up for it so much that I know i can't really fail here. I don't want to not be able to achieve the goal that i set for myself. But in my current state, i'm nowhere near my target. Coupled with the fact that people around me are getting all these chances that I'm not getting, makes me feel as though I'm left behind. Bad grades, lack of opportunities contribute to poor achievements and hence low levels of confidence. Everyone in school is so friggin' smart, and here i am trying to stay competitive but to no avail.

Confidence is definitely at an all time low.
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moved along at 2:11 AM
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