Saturday, June 16, 2012

i don't think i reveal my feelings very much. i always keep most things to myself, and i don't even share them much with the closest people around me until i feel like bursting. and this is when i visit this blank canvas.

i am very very stressed. the final presentation is freaking me out like crazy, knowing there is so much on the line. i have had to step out of my comfort zone on so many occasions, and i feel very alone on the job. there are obviously people around, but we don't click. my closest competition is getting chummy with his seniors left right center, and i feel like a fish out of the water. i try so hard, but it's not in my personality to sound like the most fake person out there. don't get me wrong, my competition is a perfectly nice person, and if circumstances were different, i'd treat him like a normal friend. but the nature of the competition makes it difficult for competitors to become really close, and the pragmatism and the associated pressures of the society is weighing down heavy on my shoulders. i feel like its really difficult to breathe sometimes. and i dont say much to the people around me, because, they dont seem to want to know, or understand.

i am very very disappointed because a series of miscommunication and bad timing had ruined my night. i can't fret too much about it because it would ruin the rest of the weekend that i treasure so much. but i really want to say that im very disappointed. for choosing one over another. for picking the choice i'd rather not see picked. for conforming to social obligations. i always hated the need to fulfill one's social obligation and put on a show to friends or business partners alike that imply that we're close when we aren't actually all that close. if i don't like it, i won't be there. my leg would be broken, my stomach upset, my nose flu-ey, my head aching and my eyes blind. the society is already so fake that makes me not want to comply with it. yet i see it unravel before my very eyes.

i know the consequences of putting such thoughts out in the open because you'll never know when it'd come back and bite me in the ass. but seriously, right now, i don't even fucking care. i'm sick and tired and i just want to go back to Canada where life albeit expensive, was simple, isolating but most importantly happy.

people don't think like i do. and i can't change what they think. even the people i believe i could. that's whats most disappointing of all.
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moved along at 2:16 AM
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