Saturday, June 16, 2012

i don't think i reveal my feelings very much. i always keep most things to myself, and i don't even share them much with the closest people around me until i feel like bursting. and this is when i visit this blank canvas.

i am very very stressed. the final presentation is freaking me out like crazy, knowing there is so much on the line. i have had to step out of my comfort zone on so many occasions, and i feel very alone on the job. there are obviously people around, but we don't click. my closest competition is getting chummy with his seniors left right center, and i feel like a fish out of the water. i try so hard, but it's not in my personality to sound like the most fake person out there. don't get me wrong, my competition is a perfectly nice person, and if circumstances were different, i'd treat him like a normal friend. but the nature of the competition makes it difficult for competitors to become really close, and the pragmatism and the associated pressures of the society is weighing down heavy on my shoulders. i feel like its really difficult to breathe sometimes. and i dont say much to the people around me, because, they dont seem to want to know, or understand.

i am very very disappointed because a series of miscommunication and bad timing had ruined my night. i can't fret too much about it because it would ruin the rest of the weekend that i treasure so much. but i really want to say that im very disappointed. for choosing one over another. for picking the choice i'd rather not see picked. for conforming to social obligations. i always hated the need to fulfill one's social obligation and put on a show to friends or business partners alike that imply that we're close when we aren't actually all that close. if i don't like it, i won't be there. my leg would be broken, my stomach upset, my nose flu-ey, my head aching and my eyes blind. the society is already so fake that makes me not want to comply with it. yet i see it unravel before my very eyes.

i know the consequences of putting such thoughts out in the open because you'll never know when it'd come back and bite me in the ass. but seriously, right now, i don't even fucking care. i'm sick and tired and i just want to go back to Canada where life albeit expensive, was simple, isolating but most importantly happy.

people don't think like i do. and i can't change what they think. even the people i believe i could. that's whats most disappointing of all.
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moved along at 2:16 AM
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Sunday, January 29, 2012

i was warned prior that this great migration to the west will stir up some potential discord among even the closest groups of friends. and i remember telling myself that regardless of the circumstance, i must learn to keep my cool and maintain my composure. unfortunately, i failed. not once but probably twice or thrice.

there's really no point in dwelling on the incident since what's done is done. and there really isn't a need to point fingers now. all i really need is for things to eventually settle down and hopefully get back to normal soon.

all these conflicts are starting to raise some red flags. things i want to happen can never be satiated and things people want from me can never be fulfilled as well. it's just our inherent characteristics, personality, and identity that make this problem persistent right from the very beginning. and thus it leads to me think if everything was even right and complementary from the start? i used to believe that there was some truth in it, but now i'm starting to see holes in this argument.

the saddest thing out of all of this is that: i actually feel relieved to be sitting here alone right now typing this entry that probably no one will ever read. I feel like can finally be like my usual self when i'm in my room at home in the middle of the night. I can wreck havoc and throw pillows around and have no one bother me and be affected by my mood. I can do what I want when I want and not having to compromise. I am responsible for my own well-being and no one can criticise or make snide remarks in sarcasm.

i hope that there would be more than one person in the house in time to come, but I feel perfectly comfortable being alone right now.

and did i ever thought of waiting up? sadly enough, i didn't.
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moved along at 12:06 PM
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Monday, November 21, 2011

everyone around me seems like they are getting to places where i want to be in the future. yet i am extremely unmotivated. i seem to have lost a lot of my drive to work hard. i want to be extraordinary. but...

being ordinary and happy has its perks. tsk. sian.
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moved along at 10:43 PM
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Saturday, August 27, 2011

sometimes if we try our best to let our worlds overlap, the common ground may prove to be one of the best friendship we will ever have. they may be busy as hell, probably way busier than ourselves, but they make the effort to call, talk, speak up, laugh and spend time with one another.

this transcends distance.
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moved along at 12:59 AM
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Monday, August 22, 2011

u disappointed me today with your words.

u make it sound like i'm losing my interest and enthusiasm when in fact all i ever cared about was how to make u smile.

it feels terrible.
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moved along at 11:49 PM
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Sunday, August 14, 2011

everytime i see a particular conversation exchange between A and B, i get so pissed off and it ruins my day.

why am i so easily affected.
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moved along at 1:09 PM
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Sunday, August 07, 2011

i feel like i have moved on the next phase of my life. i find myself increasingly concerned about how the working world is going to treat me when i do graduate in two years time. i mostly enjoy what i study, which is finance, but my greatest fear lies in the potential stiff competition i will face when i apply for a job at the bank of my choice.

with the US, Euro and pretty much the rest of the world getting themselves into a fucked up debt crisis, i can only imagine what the job climate will be like when i graduate. there are thousand and one other finance grads that are equally, if not better than me. they are confident, they have a wide network of people to namecheck their way up the career ladder, they are people who have interned with great firms, they are more willing than myself to take a bigger risk to work long and scary hours. they are people that i am not.

i figured that i am a competitive bitch. not in the SMU-backstabbing way, but the if all my friends are at a great place in their lives i would feel depressed if I weren't equally as capable kinda way. some looks like they are on their way to working at GIC, while others are pursuing high-flying corporate finance jobs at jp morgan chase. others are working their way into the dean's list, and scoring A+ for all their modules. i feel quite inept in their presence. I always believed that I would become someone greater, so i guess I ought to work harder. after all, no pain no gain.

perhaps i need to step up. i only have two years. and i want to provide for the people that i love. and before i do that, i need to be very certain of what i want to do, how i am going about it, and finally set the train in motion.

the fear of being inept is my greatest motivation.
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moved along at 8:09 PM
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